Sorrow

I cant stop, my tears just dribbling down non stop.
I cant believe that u just left us like that, this is not like you.
Not like you at all.
I hate to wear mask, but i need to wear it, so that no one can see my sorrow.
Today is such a long day...I wish I can go back to pay you last respect...
But I was just crying, for not able to go back. I feel so useless....

You are still so young....
You are still so young....

In medical field i understand that 事事无常，things are unpredictable, so inconstant. I heard of people dying each day...The patients that i once so used to chat with. Just gone when I was away for one week....

But when things happen just around you. Just dont feel like acceptable...

I feel like robotic...I didnt know what the hell I was doing the whole day.

People living, people dying, the world is still spinning non stop like nothing ever happen.

I feel like it was just yesterday, when you, as usual, call me "AUNTY"...
I remember once you said you were broke, wanted to borrow some money from me. At that time i was also very poor ...I didnt manage to borrow you...
It's just so sad that i can only give, during your funeral...

I read back the msg that you once sent me, around a month ago.
I didnt reply you....because I was too tired....
You said you have something to ask me...
I will never have chance to answer you anymore...

You called me up in one of the month, near end of the year, asked me to buy you the cage for your squirrel...I said I dont have time to go out as I am working...
Now if you ask me any favour, I will do it for you...

I remember vividly how you look like during last wedding dinner that we met in IPOH...I tried hard but i cant remember the conversation. I am so sorry....

This is so unacceptable...You are such a cheerful man. Why they try to claim you?

You are so bad, you didnt attend my convocation last year...And this year I cant attend yours....
This Chinese New Year, you never turn up as usual.
I am looking forward to the next new year. But without you, CNY will be very dull...

May you rest in peace, my nephew, my uncle ,Wee Wai Hwa.

他就这么走了，太快了。。。
从没对他微笑过。。。再也没机会了。

不知道为何我总是那么多事。。。心又软。。。

今天听到一位病人家属说：“谢谢你的电话charger,它对我很有用，我妈今早过世了。。。

我想起他昨天向我借东西时，我问他，重要吗？他说：“重要，这关系生死。。。。
如果没有的话，我没办法通知我家人来见她最后一面。。。”

我们一起塔电梯。他把charger还我。我没多说什么。电梯在八楼开了。。。
只见一个银色coffin, 他迎上去，我突然觉得很难过。

Today is the last day of CNY...
Can i start to countdown for next chinese new year?
It's my favourite season of all....I even like it more than my own birthday....

11.01.12

Today I was sent to follow our hospital blood bank drive. A meaningful present to myself.
At last manage to get 53 donours to donate their precious blood.
Although I repeated the questions and answers for so so many time while interviewing the donours, all my tiredness vanished when some of the donours wished me Happy Birthday after they spotted my tiny IC number printed on the namecard that I brought around on my labcoat.
There is also a stuff nurse sharing the same birth date with me.So happy that I am not alone.haha

缺陷与尊严.The Disabled Pride

在诊所看病。
有一个新的领悟。
其实看了太多这样的case了。有些反胃。

生病，是让人从现实生活暂时逃避的一个出口，尤其是懦弱得可怜的人。
他们宁可向病痛投降，也不愿意面对现实。因为现实往往比病痛更血淋淋！
因为一点点病痛，宁愿选择呆在家不做工整年或一世，对，是一世！
因为无法承受生活中的压力，企图把它转移别人身上。
让妻子扛起家里所有事，包括挣卑微的钱养一家大大小小和那些懦夫！

确实，你折断了一条腿是很痛，但它会痊愈的。
请在痊愈后回到工作岗位吧，别拿那些无谓的长假，长期躲在女人背后，让女人养你。不要脸。

曾经，在我很累、很颓废、很沮丧、很忧郁时，好想生一场大病，让我有时间好好休息，暂时逃避责任、喘口气。但那只是闪过脑袋的一丝想法。往往有这种想法时，都会吸口气，甩掉它。

那些人，简直滥用生病的权利！
生病时当然会得到相对合理的病假，但那不是理所当然的权利。
有者甚至只因为plantar fasciitis（即heel那里生了骨刺而导致脚板疼痛）而想借此申请成为OKU-即orang kurang upaya.

明明可以走路，怎会有人宁可选择当残障人士也不愿工作？不明白。。。
当身体有缺陷的人很努力的想有正常的生活时，却也有正常的人努力想变成残障人士。。。



努力的生活着，即使卑微的工作，即使有缺陷，却也活得有尊严。。。



倘若没人可依靠，没选择时，你会选择什么？smile and embrace life or become dependant?

I know things are going on the track now...
i've went through the nadir point of these...
But i still feel that I am far away from something...
I am lost.
Am I too far away from home?
Have to be strong!

1

I am hungry...why am I looking at food blog...stop and go to sleep!
Trying hard to beat carbohydrate craving!!
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Today was the first time I was late to work place....woke up at 6.52am despite slept earlier the night before...rushed to work at 7.15am...reached ward 7.20am...only able to review one patient and rushed to daily pass over round at 7.30am...Luckily I wasn't permanent houseman...was posted at clinic from morning until 5pm,that's the happiest moment.No ward works,yay!:) then A&E shift from 5-9pm.clerked one open fracture..Around 9pm when was about to leave,2 patients deteriorated simultaneously and needed resuscitation in the ward, which is rare occasion as there wont be many emergency cases for orthopaedics other than fat embolism, open fracture, compartment syndrome,blah blah...in reality. Stayed back to be Kepochi...to learn how to resus patient,practically.The scariest thing that i am afraid to encounter now is when patient collapses, I will be panic and alone and dont know what to do.So it is good to stay back and helped the senior houseman...So that i know what to look for next time when patient collapses.

Will be attending Basic Life Support course on 20/12/11. Hope it is helpful.